There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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