Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
