It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
