so that wasnt chicken after all
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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