I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
