oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dignity is for republicans.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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