Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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