ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
