If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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