OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
