i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
