and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
