Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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