The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
