i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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