Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
