burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
