We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
