someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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