bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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