guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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