dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
