I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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