he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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