I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
whose ass print is on the piano?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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