I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
