Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
