That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
