She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
