Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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