found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
