i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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