All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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