So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
