Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
me + whiskey = a bad person
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
