How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
