His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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