don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
