Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
