ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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