One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
