Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
