Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
