apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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