i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
