i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize