Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
