You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
