Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
