Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
