They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
