My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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