Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
