So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
