i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
