She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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